A week of sharing our ultimate fantasies for life after COVID-19.
Welcome to Fantasy Week, where we indulge all our grandest daydreams about what we wish to do when this is all over. After a year of pandemic life, we’re fantasizing about globetrotting, throwing ragers, and dressing like we truly give zero fucks, and imagining a world where we’re all vaxxed and the world is our big, briny oyster.
We’ve been Gollum’d up away from our friends for so long, that when we do pop out of the other side of this pandemic (which will be a gradual process, not as Easy Bake Oven situation), we’re going to live by a new mantra: More is more. That means we’re never going to dress ‘normal’ again. Instead, we’re going to bring all of our sartorial fantasies, from assless chaps to gender-inclusive hats to life. We’re going to swaddle ourselves in a new layering philosophy that came to us in a REM cycle fever dream during this transitional winter-to-spring-to-global-warming-wild-card season. We’re going to wear giant, oversized clothes like a couture lord.
Think big button-downs. Snuggie-centric looks. Whatever the Wish.com answer is to becoming a functional sheet ghost for spring and summer, or at least one of those flying bridal veils:
Before we venture any further into the world of Lenny Kravitz slankets and Billie Eilish tees, we should clarify that this urge is not not fueled by the purported fight between Millennial and Gen-Z TikTok users on skinny jeans. (Frankly, that feels like it was conjured by big tech advertisers. DISCUSS). This move is inspired by pure, cocooned puppet lord fantasy. Think Jil Sander and Balenciaga bigness. Imagine massive, planetary shapes. We don’t even need to roll up our couture sleeves to get thaaaaat elbow deep in looks that make us feel like David Byrne (correction: Kermit the Frog as David Byrne). We just need a taste for more.
The following ~pieces~ are casual, yet elegant. Nonchalant, yet shielding (which is a COVID-era instinct we shant easily shed). Layer them up on colder days and outdoor bar eves. Go totally pantsless, à la Streetwear Scrooge in his nighty, or wrap yourself up in their monochromatic tones to look like you’re trying to start a pyramid scheme/cult.
One with ankle-grazing pockets
Photo: Fashion Brand Company
Ah yes, “Daddy’s Blazer.” We love Fashion Brand Company for their irreverent, lizard-loving universe (FR, they make beautiful lizard clothes), but we especially love them for this low swinging pinstripe coat with ginormous buttons.
Daddy’s Blazer, $158 at Fashion Brand Company
Go for an earthy color palette
Photo: 11 Honore
Otherwise known as Irish bog hues. An earthy color palette is a solid place to start when building up an oversized wardrobe, as is a hoodie. There is no shade that won’t go with this soft, cotton pull-over.
LNA Oversized Hoodie, $168 at 11 Honoré
You’re a Hey Arnold! Character
The ideal stoop-sitting polo, in a color that looks equal parts derived from an ancient Irish bog, or a pile of mystery liquid at Penn Station. The versatility is *chef’s kiss* perfection, and it even has a sideways zipper pocket for to-go nibblings.
Random Identities Brown Oversized Polo, $155 at SSENSE
Some rich adult baby on the Upper East Side deffo has this already
From what cursed corner of pre-COVID life this sprang forth, we’ll perhaps never know. Was it part of the adult baby campaign that turned out adult-sized strollers? A scrapped plot point for Tom Hanks in Big? Either way, it’s up for auction on eBay to become the star of your life.
Jansport Giant Backpack, $500 at eBay
Shoes having powerful treading teeth is not new, but these Balenciaga babies hit a sweet spot on the wearability spectrum of chonky footwear, falling somewhere between classic streetwear cool and Bozo After Dark.
Balenciaga Strike 20mm lace-up boots, $950 at Farfetch
Protect thine rattail
These hats were born large and lanky, ready to protect your neck from the sun with their rat-tail train. Go for a vibey lime green color so your friends can find you in the crowd.
Boonie Snap Hat, $7.99 at Etsy
Gumby’s one cousin who deals
There is no pant that brings us so much joy and fury. Can you imagine how crusty, smelly, and water-dipped the bottoms of these pants would get after one rainy day? Absolute chaos, bringing back memories of all our 2000s bell bottom pants.
Raf Simons Black Oversized Jeans, $885 at SSENSE
More than our rent, but we could also legit take up residency in this amorphous ball of black matter by Rick Owens, a master of deconstruction and wumbo pufferdom. It’s a hell of a lot to drop on a jacket, but can you just imagine falling asleep inside this on the plane?
Rick Owens Black Moncler Edition Down Hikoville Jacket, $2,690 at SSENSE
Casual body bag
Photo Stylish Stuff & Things
Very Star Wars hits the streets. So, yes. Kind of cringe, but SO cozy. This giant jumper has the most ample hood out of all the hoodies at the dance, and a long zipper we can’t wait to awkwardly pull up over the course of five minutes in front of our friends, just to keep everyone’s blood pressure pumping.
Long Oversized Hoodie, $60 $50 at Stylish Stuff & Things
Strange as it ever was
You will inevitably become a lone, talking head in this wumbo charcoal blazer worthy of 90s Michael Jordan, which has excellent attention to detail (peep the tailoring on the back of the sleeves and shoulders). A primo move if you want to power-play transform into an intimidating human hanger. (And just as ripe for turtling your limbs and head back inside its spacious folds, should you need to disassociate.)
1990s Wool Blazer, $199.83 at Etsy
The launching pad of every giant beanstalk look
A big, biiiiig T-shirt. This one is perfect for our favorite pastime of rolling straight from our bed, to the floor, to the WFH chair. Make it your pantsless pajama and home loungewear shirt, then wear it out with the ghouls and some balloony bottoms when the time is right.
Weekday Huge organic cotton T-shirt dress, $29 at ASOS
So, this is just a blanket. But it’s a choice graphic blanket you can slanket-style just like Lenny in the winter, store conveniently on your couch, or else pull it out from under your buds’ butts at a spring picnic—with nary a glass moving, you magician—and walk off into the sunset.
Becky Bailey Mudcloth Big Arrows in Black and White Blanket, $59.99 $53.99 at Society6
Bauhaus ball of lint
One-trillion percent Teletubbies at the club. This neoprene dress (shirt?) is an oversized version of something we’ve never really seen before, as we don’t usually get dressed by sliding into grey communion wafers. But here we are.
Neoprene Bubble Dress, $130.57 at Etsy
The one from Shark Tank
We will be taking a powerful nap in this silk-like microfiber blanket hoodie, which has been vetted by all of our fake parents on Shark Tank. It comes in a bunch of patterns and colors ranging from Snow Cheetah, to the Yeezy Show Where Everyone Passed Out.
Comfy Oversized Light Microfiber Wearable Blanket, $39.99 at Amazon
Pool noodle sleeves
At a glance, this hoodie doesn’t seem that large and in charge. But just look at those Kermit tubes. They’re ample enough for big scrunching, expanding, and lassoing around your crush.
Acne Studios Green Logo Hoodie, $380 at SSENSE
One person’s dress is another roadrunner’s casual cowboy themed day shirt. We can already feel how thin this oversized number from H&M is, and it’s a solid piece for layering over some wumbo cargo pants before you take a dust bath with the horses.
Oversized Denim Dress, $29.99 at H&M
Just getting into the cow print trend? Do it in a way that feels substantial. Meaty! This giant hoodie is true home-on-the-range, udder-swaddling goodness. Curl up in the fetal position at a park in it, and see if anyone tries to feed you some hay.
Lasuntin Oversized Soft Sherpa Plush Wearable Hoodie, $34.99 at Amazon
Inspector Gadget sitting FROW
A long coat and/or trench is a must-have for oversize couture lords. Not only are they perfect for selling watches and personality, but they’re an excellent cross-seasonal piece.
Korean Men’s Oversize Trench Coat, $169.85 $137.58 at eBay
You’re the friend obsessed with Holy Mountain
Just look at that photo. This hat is so big brimmed, it makes you look like a giant thumb (in the best way). Plus, personality hats have very much been on our minds and heads both pre and mid-pandemic, from the Jacquemus mega sunhat scandal to the new gender-inclusive Bagatzo creations. This hat’s vibe is somewhere between Holy Mountain and whatever a hot, widowed woman would wear in a Fellini movie.
Retro Style Straw Sun Hat, $90 at Etsy
We hope you’ve enjoyed cocooning yourself in these fantasy body-swallowing garments. See you outside of the chrysalis, sweet bugs.
Your faithful VICE editors independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. We may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.