No more high-end dog food for Major Biden. An imagined letter from Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen helps explain the ‘extraordinary measures’ the government will now take to pay its bills.
America hit its debt limit Thursday, and Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen told Congress the government has begun taking “extraordinary measures” to pay the bills and keep things running until stubbornly irresponsible lawmakers can agree on raising the debt ceiling.
In a letter to Congress, Yellen wrote: “I respectfully urge Congress to act promptly to protect the full faith and credit of the United States.”
But in another letter that I assume exists somewhere, Yellen provides a more frank explanation of these extraordinary measures. Here’s what I imagine that letter looks like.
A (possibly made up) letter from Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen to CongressDear dummies:
It’s Janet over at Treasury. Since many of you don’t seem to know the difference between spending money and money you already spent, we’re going to have to do some belt-tightening around here until you all get your heads out of your keisters and raise the debt limit.
I know nobody’s going to like this, but you self-aggrandizing dipsticks have no one to blame but yourselves. Before I get to the “extraordinary measures” we’ll have to take to keep the bills paid and the lights on, let me say one thing, for the 12 millionth time: The debt ceiling is the thing that lets us pay off MONEY WE HAVE ALREADY SPENT ON THINGS YOU ALL ALREADY APPROVED. It has nothing to do with spending more money on more things.
I’m sure the second a TV camera clicks on you’ll forget all that again, but whatever. Can’t say I didn’t tell you.
Here’s a partial list of the steps we’ll need to take moving forward. Send any complaints you have to: JanetHasHadItWithYourNonsense@CramIt.com.
Extraordinary measures you brought on yourselves►Mandatory GOP Bake Sale. Since this is your doing, Republicans, you all have to chip in the most. Tell Sen. Ted Cruz he can bake a cake on the hot muzzle of an AR-15 if he wants. I don’t care how you do it, just get it done. (I heard Rep. George Santos trained under some of the greatest European pastry chefs while he was studying at Oxford. LULZ!)
►Sean Hannity Butt-Kissing Booth. Given the current House majority, this will likely be the biggest revenue producer.
►Bipartisan Classified Documents Viewing Party. Since classified documents are all the rage, this $1-million-per-person event should bring in enough to buy us a couple extra weeks of military salaries.
►Switch Major Biden from Ultimate Pet Nutrition Nutra Complete to generic kibble. You’re a good boy, but everyone’s going to feel some pain.
►Sell President Joe Biden’s Corvette. Sorry, buddy, everyone’s going to feel some pain. (Please check the trunk for classified documents before the sale.)
►Obtain Hunter Biden’s current laptop and place it on eBay. That will likely cover Social Security costs for the next 10 years.
►Rep. Lauren Boebert/Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene Dunk Tank. At $5 a throw, I predict this will add $17 million to government coffers.
►Fox News Lie Jar. Every time a Republican lawmaker tells a lie on Fox News, such as claiming the debt ceiling has something to do with new spending, they have to put 10% of the dark money their reelection campaign has received into the jar. (The jar will be too large to fit inside the U.S. Capitol building. Consider chaining it to the Washington Monument.)
►A Moratorium on Attempted Coups. Those things cost a fortune.
►Sublet California to Mexico. Make sure security deposit leaves them responsible for “all weather-related damage.”
►Open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil and gas development. Sorry, polar bears, everyone’s going to feel some pain.
►Take all of Elon Musk’s money before he wastes the rest of it. Sorry, pal, everyone’s going to … you know what? Not sorry at all. You might as well be setting your billions on fire right now. We’ll put it to better use.
There’s more, but those are the most extraordinary of the steps. Of course if you all can get your acts together, we can still avoid the whole mess. HAH! Like that’s gonna happen!
I feel the worst for Major Biden, if I’m being honest. He’s a good boy who didn’t do anything wrong.
You all stink.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk, or contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org
More from Rex Huppke:
House GOP heard the American voters. They definitely want Hunter Biden investigations!
Noted political loser Donald Trump announces plan to lose presidential race again.
After the ‘red wave’ flop, we need new male political experts who are always wrong. I’m in.